Who Dini?

As usual, I’m tired. Weary of the un-creative rut I’m scrambling around in, trying to find higher ground. Every day, the rut goes deeper and it will only be harder to climb out when the time to run finally comes. Until then all I have to do is walk the line while looking to the horizon.

But every now and then, the time comes when I need to drop my bags, turn around, crack my neck, furrow my brow and grind my teeth.
I want to stand up with an unapologetic FUCK YOU to all the people for whom I have to be a sycophant and/or hypocrite.
I want to discard macho stereotype. So what if I enjoy a good romance?
I want to be free from the expectations of people who have willingly imprisoned themselves within societal confines.

And although the horizon remains as dark and distant as ever, the odd ray of light helps to pick up them bags and start trudging again.
Everyday life has its way of dulling the senses till you lose all feeling. A few sparks every once and again is all it takes to be reminded that you still mean something, even if nothing means anything to you.

And I’m happy for it.

Bonnie Raitt – Something to Talk About
The Killers – Bones

Goodnight Seattle

Zooey was on Frasier... Yay, Miss D!!


That is all.


My Chemical Romance - Welcome To The Black Parade
Rascall Flatts - Life Is A Highway

Dirty Little Secret

Christmas is long past and it never even felt Christmassy. All I cared about was a break from work and before I knew it, it was Christmas and then it was gone. That was it and that was my “Happy Holiday”. Of course, things got a LOT better starting around New Year’s, but the season was lost. Again.

This isn’t my first Christmas crib and it probably won’t be my last, but then that’s what I normally do around here.
December is now the embodiment of innocence lost. The days I used to wait for with bated breath now mean nothing to me. In days afore, 25th November would start the warmth flowing as the month-long countdown began. I so miss the days when there was a Santa and staying awake till midnight on Christmas Eve was an ordeal, but well worth it on the off chance that I’d see the jolly dude. Childish awe, reverence and excitement bundled together to make one tingly kid. Or even waking up later at night and looking for presents that I may or may not have deserved, but nevertheless, got. So what if Santa Claus was more Mr. Christmas than Jesus? If you were naughty in one book, you were naughty in the other too!
25th November has been replaced by 30th March, as the end of the Fourth Quarter always precedes the annual appraisal. If you know you’re on Santa’s nice-list, Christmas is on 1st May, when you see the first deposit of your incremented pay. Joy to the world, baby.

Christmas is supposed to bring with it a sense of good cheer and brotherhood and kindness and glad-to-be-alive-ness along with the mandatory presents. Fine. So where does all this disappear to for the rest of the time? Christmas is not about a day, it’s about a spirit. Christmas is everyday because it IS about a sense of good cheer and brotherhood and kindness and glad-to-be-alive-ness. But I guess nobody much sees it that way. I think that’s why I miss Christmas every year. When you’re so used to seeing indifference, you don’t recognize the good stuff when it actually comes along. And then it vanishes almost as quickly as it appeared.

I’ve only been writing biographical shit lately and it’s tiresome. I need to get more upbeat. Next time.


At least this holiday season left me with one good memory. For the first time in a long time, I helped decorate the Christmas Tree. Mom and I, 1:30 in the am, listening to AC/DC and Bob Dylan, hanging sparkly stuff on the tree.
Until she started singing along to Highway to Hell. I didn’t know whether to be proud or afraid…


Merry Christmas, pricks... and goodwill to all.


More


No Doubt – Underneath It All
Bob Marley – Redemption Song
Jimmy Buffet - Margaritaville

“It’s not a pet, it’s a wild invalid!” – George Costanza


You weren't REALLY expecting a secret now, were you??

Quick quickie

Damn this time-flying nonsense!
I haven't had time to put together a decent post, but if I don't say something, the month is going to go by without me having said anything! And that hasn't happened in a VERY long time. So I'm not about to break that chain. I may not have much, but I do have my respectability.

So anyway, here I am, not really saying anything yet, but having already said enough.

Time to go. Until next time...


No songs this time. Wha...?????

'06, Out.

Measure of a Man

Defining moments are few and far between during a single lifetime. It’s nice to have them because they do exactly what they say: define you at a point in your life. They give you a sense of security, an important thing in a world which is becoming increasingly insecure. And I’m not talking about security in the sense of safety; I mean security in the sense of self.

I’m 23. One would say I’m not that old. But I feel it and I don’t know why. Although, I don’t recall an event that defined the metamorphosis from adolescent to adult, the moment when I became a man. It can neither be planned nor created, it just happens and you know right then. Of course, circumstances are such that I hardly remember much anyway, but I think this would be one thing I’d remember not to forget. Becoming a man is about taking charge of your world and accepting the responsibilities that come with it. It comes in different forms for different people: the first big investment, a fishing trip with dad, marriage, seeing someone close in deep shit and realizing it could have been you, your new baby, or wanting one and planning for it. Some would prefer less complex experiences like a virginal sexual experience or lighting up/downing one for the first time.
I think I’m a man, but I have no proof for myself. The shaving, the backaches, the hair loss, the evolving view of women, none of these is a certifiable indicator of a degree of manliness.

Many people probably get through their life without having had such a defining moment and never feeling the need for one. But I need it. It’s not a matter of insecurity; I just want to know that when the time comes for me to take up something big, I will not hesitate. I have had very few challenges in my life up to now and this has left me devoid of crunch-time-performance experience.

On the other hand, there’s this.

Childhood is on the other side of the coin. I look back over 20 odd years and there’s not very much that stands out. There was no adventure, there was no journey of self discovery, there was no innocence lost and there were no surprises. It often makes me wonder what I missed out on. Of course I will never know and there’s no way of ever finding out.
This is made even more depressing by the fact that we are living in the age of the undo. No matter how bad you muck up, you can always undo, re-format, or simply use the backup disk. Having got used to that you tend to expect the same out of life, which only leaves you disappointed.

George Bernard Shaw hit it on the head: Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Stupid kids.


Watch The Goonies!

Green Day – When I Come Around
Eric Carmen – Hungry Eyes