Chronicle

The work that follows is not mine. It's something I came across somewhere, long ago and saved on my computer. Apparently I thought it was worth it, since I'd saved it to a disk and reloaded it after I got a new hard drive put in. Why did I think it was important enough? Because it was sincere. I don't approve of cheap chronicling of daily events in a diary... cribbing about how unfair someone at school is or how your favorite goldfish died. I like this little paragraph here because it has sensible sentiment. No crying over hurt, no cursing lost love, but just simple putting feeling into words. And, it kinda reminded me of what I did once upon a time when I was badly let down. Enough of me, read what the dude has to say.

Love?? It is the greatest thing in the world. Without it there is nothing worth living for. Whether you find love in your job, your family, a hobby, or a companion, it is the greatest thing ever. Yes, it does hurt, even more than it feels wonderful. But, you have to realize that the positive side of love outweighs the negative side of love by far. I am 24 and I am going to be 25 this coming 08/29/04. I met my fiance on 09/06/03 on a Saturday night. It was a blind date set up by my best friend and his fiance. I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't looking for that one special person, but just to have fun that night. Well, I kept on seeing her and let her know that I wanted to be with her exclusively. We fell in love. She was so beautiful the first night I met her. I fell in love with her beauty, her smile, her personality, and her laughter. We have so much in common. Well, I asked her to marry me almost 2 months later on 10/30/03, the night before Halloween. We had our mountains to climb and most times it looked like we weren't going to make it over. Well, it looks like I am stuck in between love and reality. On tonight, 06/18/04 we got in a fight because she has a problem with controlling her alcohol. Now, she doesn't want to be with me and I can't tell if it is the alcohol or her true feelings. Love hurts. She makes my world go around. I am not sure if I will go to Heaven or not. I love God and I might not do the right things here with my time on Earth, but I love Shannon E. McGrory and I will always love her. We are supposed to get married in 11 weeks on 08/28/04 the day before my birthday. Everything is set and paid for. But, she told me tonight she doesn't want to marry me. I got frustrated with her tonight and I said something I shouldn't because she was getting out of control. I called her a whore. I didn't mean it but I am a guy with a lot of testosterone and it came out. I apologized immediately but she took it to heart and ran with it and said she doesn't want to marry me. She was drunk and this wasn't the first time that alcohol has caused us pain. I don't know what is going to happen when she wakes up. Will she stick with what she remembers and think I was a jerk and say she doesn't want to marry me or will she hug me and will we forgive each other? I don't know. That is what hurts. Waiting to see your dreams and hopes to be crushed or fulfilled. I don't love her because she is beautiful or because her body is unbelievable to my eye and heart. I don't love her because she loves me. I love her because of the little things I do for her and she does for me. The first night we were together on our blind date she was driving and we were a little shy and weren't talking to each other and she lightened the mood and gave me a wet willy. (lick your finger and stick it in someone's ear.) This would gross some people out but it made my heart melt. She touched my heart and didn't even know it. When she calls me baby or when she thinks about me or when she hugs me or when she looks at me like she could just wrap her whole body around me. Yes, we make love all the time and we are very sexual. But, those are only extra things. Every normal guy can take that to the extreme and make the girl feel like that is all we want, but that is a guy thing and you just have to understand that and realize where we are coming from. I just can't keep my hands off of her. I have never cheated on her nor put myself in the position to cheat on her and I could never cheat on her. I feel so bad for calling her a whore. I was mad and frustrated and that is what popped out of my mouth. I would take it back if I could. I can't live with out her. I only want to make her happy and if that is being without me then she shall have that. I hold her way above me. Yes, you should love yourself first before you love someone else. I do love myself. I have accomplished so much that some guys would dream of. I played highschool ball and took the team to the state tournament and I hit the winning basket and I got a full ride to a Div 2 basketball school here in Memphis and I am in great shape and health. I have a decent job now and I will get my MBA. But, none of that doesn't mean anything without Shannon. I would take all of that off of my resume of life just to have her back and marry her. The whole point of this is that you asked, "How do you know when you truly love someone?" Well, you truly love someone when you can let them go and let them be happy. It sucks because most of the time the other one that you love decides to do that. But, one kiss of that person, one touch, one hug, one whisper in your ear, means an eternity of love. You may not have them in your arms every night but your memories are there forever. You have to love more than the pain. I can't move on. I have chosen my true love and she has chosen me. Now that I know who my love is I can't love another. Sure, if Shannon decides not to be with me, she will see someone else down the road and maybe I will too, but at night I will only think of her and her breath and her touch and her beautiful voice. I am not weird nor pathetic nor a psychopath. I am in love. She is the love of my life and I will not stop till she doesn't want to come back. I make mistakes and I forgive her of hers, but I know I can't be treated like a dog and keep waiting for her to come back. But it is my choice to fight it out to the end and if I don't fight at all and give up, then I have lost no matter what. I will die trying and suffer by just not doing anything. I would rather die than suffer. I know this is long and you might be mad at me because I didn't answer your question. Just love that person. Love is 80% true love, 10% faith, and 10% commitment. Just because you are in love with someone doesn't mean that it is going to be easy. Jesus had to suffer just to give us an eternity of life and forgiveness. We all fall short of our goal but it is the commitment and heart that keeps us straight. Love that person and you will have your fights and differences, but just don't ever forget that it is part of life and you really love that person. Don't let big things ruin your love, because it is the little things that keep it strong.

Midnight Musings

Lying in bed, late at night,
I realize how my life's not right.
It's not an ideal situation,
Bordering right on desperation.

I've changed my mind so many times,

If I count them in cents, I'd have a million dimes...
Too many people to please,
So many paths to follow,
Just for once,
I wanna live like there's no tomorrow.
But alas, I know, that can never be
For tomorrow comes, inspite of me.
Another start to another day,
The end of which, might hear me say
"Tomorrow I'm gonna start anew,
Gonna settle down to what I need to do!"
But I'll know I'm telling myself a lie,
'Cos you bite the dust when you aim too high.

I know I got a request for more cheerful posts since the last one, but I can't help it, it's the mood holding sway right now...

I'd made a plan of what I needed to do with my life months ago, in fact, it's what made me quit my comfy job. But since then, something's held me back from getting on with it. I can't really explain what it is, but I know from past experience that when it tugs at me, I shouldn't ignore it... In this case, I don't know if it's the same 'something' I know or if it's just the hesitance before stepping out into the unknown. Whatever the reason, I don't have the balls to tell it to anyone who asks, because I'm afraid I'm starting to let them all down.

Monologue

Here's a little ditty I wrote for my friends on the msn group that I used to manage. Thought I'd share it here too.

.

Attention please, y'all dudes and dudettes, y'all prudes and prudettes,
Something's goin' down, it ain't a new show but you just gotta know,
if things don't happen you can get up and go.
This used to be the field where the players play, goin' on everyday
about feelin' good in life, beating strife on the edge of a knife.
Somehow one day things went astray... now who's gonna play?
Take my advice, I don't need it, you gotta feel it
in your bones, the stepping stones to success can put you to the test
and leave you cleaning up your own mess.
So grab your pie while you still can, it's gonna be every man
or woman for themselves when it comes down to the wire,
trial by fire is always met alone.
You can't go home, once you step out,
there's always a doubt if you can ever make it on your own.

When you gotta say, you just gotta say,
I hardly pray 'cos I know I make my day
as good or bad as it will be, it's all about me
and the money, honey. Thats what it's down to eventually;
Do you have the green moolah making machine?
Can't hold back the years, before you realize your fears
you better get up and start to make it, learn to take it
on the chin with a smile, while you walk the last lonely mile
towards your destiny or fate.
And finally, when your time is through, any dream will do
for you, as colors fade into darkness you start to think less
of yourself, 'cos if you don't live for something, you die for nothing.

So get off your asses, media-swayed masses, don't be like me,
you need to break free into the blue, like the dawn of day
with the music playin', but not sayin' the name of the man,
beejay.

Out.

Silence is not a precious metal

Yup, we’re still on the subject of Friends. Lately I’ve had to say goodbye to a few friends, some really close to my heart. It’s been difficult to accept the reality that I didn’t know if I’d ever see them again. Like many others before them, they’ve left for the US in pursuit of a ‘higher’ education. Now, I have no decisive plan for my future as yet, so I admire them for having direction in their lives.
The strange thing is, I had the least to say in terms of Goodbye, to the friends I valued most. Calling them or being there physically didn’t matter; I couldn’t bring up much at all. I wondered if this was due to my apparent fear of open emotiveness (if that is even a word) or was it just me being me, freezing at the time of trial. It couldn’t be the first; after all, these were my friends, to whom I told everything. It couldn’t be the second…after all, these were my friends with whom I was most comfortable.
The answer came to me as I lay in bed at night, pondering my inability to express myself to the people I cared about... These were not my friends.
How do you put ‘friendship’ into words? Easy enough, check your nearest dictionary for a nice juicy meaning, complete with synonyms. How do you put ‘more than friendship’ into words? Webster, Roget and Co. are stumped too. These weren’t my friends, these were my best friends. When friendship transcends mere pleasantry, gifts and companionship and enters the realm of ‘Together till the End’ that’s when words fail you. Although ‘together’ here may not connote ‘together’ in a physical sense, I think my point can be well enough understood.
I normally NEVER use extremisms like the one above, ‘World’s Best Dad’ and so on, but in this case the context is perfect.
I know that the possibility I may never speak to them face to face again is a very real one, since we’re only beginning our journey into life and there many roads to be travelled. But, I will still, always, count them as my best friends, because I know that no amount of eloquence or simplicity will enable me to explain to them the impact they’ve had on my life and how much they mean to me.

Phenomenon

Friends, the sitcom probably familiar, at least vaguely, to most of the educated world. “What strangeness is this, what manner of witchery?” Something that can so easily endear itself to the hearts of millions. Ranging from passion for some, to obsession for others, Friends has marked its place as a television Hall-of -Famer.
Although I’m a fan of the show, I’ve never fully comprehended its magnitude until very recently. Now, in India we’re obviously off the NBC, CBS, ABC, LMNOP and whatever, radar, so what we get are reruns. Lots of reruns. So, one evening at dinner, (or supper, whatever…) Friends is on, Mom is at the dinner table, facing away, and I’m on the couch. Five minutes into the show, she suddenly looks around and says, “Oh, this is the one about Phoebe’s grandmother’s cookies!” What strangeness is this? What manner of witchery? This from a woman who was dining peacefully, apparently oblivious to the charms of the TV… In any case, I don’t recall an occasion when I’ve actually seen her watch a complete episode. What then, was it about the show, that imprinted itself so quickly in the mind of a mere observer?
I remember when I started watching. I was maybe, 16, refusing to get out of bed at 7 in the evening, while complaining of a stomach-ache. Mom dragged me out and sat me in front of the TV. “Here,” she said, “Take your mind off it.” Flipping through channels, I came across Friends after a bit. Now, at the time, this was a fairly ‘new’ show on Indian television, so I stopped to take a look. It was the ‘ballpark’ episode, where Richard and Monica count how many ex-lovers each has had. I haven’t stopped watching since. Season 9 has been rerun, I dunno how many times, but I haven’t stopped yet, even though season 10 is long gone.
Friends has its critics too, even on the show! No, I’m not gonna repeat what they’ve said…look it up. But I’ll always be a fan. Can’t really put my finger on what I like about it, though… the somewhat cheesy comedy of Joey, the obsessive Monica, ditzy Phoebe, “Dunno what I want” Rachel, awkwardly sweet Ross… or is it the satirical funnyman Chandler?
The reason, I guess, lies in looking at ourselves. There are six central characters, but each is multifaceted so that we all see a part of ourselves in one, if not more of them. Narcissistic as we monkeys are, we’re drawn towards ourselves. It’s nice to see ordinary people just like us, doing stuff we’d do too. Although I doubt that many of us would run through the streets chasing a bus, while carrying a baby carriage…
Strange though, how Mom figured in my first as well my most recent revelatory brush with friends… Of course, this is the same Mom who starts movin’ to Eminem’s Without Me and is a fan of Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger. Go figure.

Authors note: I kinda fancy myself as a cross between Chandler and Ross. Rondler…?